Thursday, September 24, 2009

Answered Prayer

Sammy and I got our confirmation that we are in the right place with our adoption. God so graciously answered our prayers Saturday evening, and revealed to us his providence. Our family was eating dinner at In-n-Out Burger when a man walked by with two children. I knew he was Ethiopian. I asked God for the courage to approach him, because I am NOT the type to ever do such a thing. God literally led me to that man and spoke through me asking if he was from Ethiopia. He said yes! We talked and all the while I was trembling inside; I knew this was not a chance meeting. I asked him if these were his children. He answered, "God is good. These are my children." I asked him what their names were and he said "This is my son. His name is Adonai. And this is my daughter, El Shaddai." I knew right then that God had led us to this man and his children. We exchanged numbers and we will be keeping in touch. Who would have thought that there would be an Ethiopian living in our small and un-cultured town. I would have never imagined.

Sammy and I, and our children, and my mom, went home praising and thanking God. We couldn't believe what had just happened.

What are the odds of us meeting an Ethiopian in our small town? What are the odds of me guessing that this man is Ethiopian? (For those of you who know me, you would already know the odds of me approaching a complete stranger and asking him if he's Ethiopian are pretty much zero to none.) Of all the countries in Africa, what are the odds of him being from Ethiopia? And what are the odds of his children's names being Adonai, meaning God Most High; and El Shaddai, meaning The All Sufficient One. Adonai occurs 434 times in the Old Testament, and Shaddai 48 times. It seems so silly now. How could I have doubted the All Sufficient One, the God Most High.

And those of you who know Your name will put their trust in You,
For you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You
~Psalm 9:10

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for so blatantly answering our prayers. Thank you for your never-ending love and your faithfulness... no matter how thick-headed we are in our earthliness.


Our agency director will be arriving in Ethiopia on Saturday. She will be checking on the children and the open cases as well as dropping off donations. But we wait in great anticipation as she will be bringing home with her, Lord willing, our referral. Please pray that the Lord be with her in her travels and that she can accomplish everything that she has set out to do while she is there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

On the Verge of Giving Up...

I don't even know how to start this post besides just getting right to the point. I am on verge of giving up on the adoption. I just don't feel any family support. Our friends support us half-heartily. I can tell they want to support us, but don't want to see us get hurt again. Of course, my online, adoptive-mom friends, Christian and non-Christian, support me 100 percent. That's just not enough, and it leaves me feeling like I'm the only one wanting a child that no one else wants or wants to work for. I guess I am the only one who wants this and most everyone else I know is just appeasing me.

While in the process with Shay, I became very close to God and my faith grew immensely. (We began the process to adopt Shay so that little Sammy could have a sibling close in age.) Months later, I felt a tug in my heart, a Holy nudge, to adopt purely for no other reason at all then to glorify God. Sammy did not share the desire to have more children, so I started praying. A year later, Sammy's heart changed when we saw Josi's pic.

So here we are... Josi has been gone for almost nine months. Soon after Josi died, we started on another adoption as we did not want things to end this way. Two agencies and seven months later, we are back to square one. Is it that we are not meant to adopt again? Was us being led to Josi not really God's leading? Was all of this in vain? Waisted time? Waisted money? Waisted love?

I have never considered myself a strong person, and I don't know if losing Josi has made me any stronger. I feel very weak. I feel like I am at God's mercy, which is a good thing and right where I would want to be; but I just don't feel any of the support in my own home anymore. Sammy is done with adopting. He has told me multiple times that he is fed up with it all. Who can blame him. Not only have we suffered greatly with losing our daughter, but we have lost tens of thousands of dollars. We do believe that our money, like everything else, is not our own but God's. But I can see how this can put a horrible taste in one's mouth with regard to adoption and the risks involved. I mean, why would anyone in their right mind want to do this again!?!? My husband didn't at first, but had agreed, I believe mostly because he knew it would break my heart not to. After all, he understands, that children are a gift from God. He is not fed up with children, let me make that clear. He is fed up with the process, with agencies, and foreign-country-adoption red tape. Even the girls have expressed to me recently that they really don't want to adopt again. I know that they don't want to see mommy sad anymore, but it makes my heart break knowing that my family has been so wounded by Josi's adoption and death, that they don't see God in it anymore.

So many people are asking if we are still going to continue down this road now after losing the Ethiopian girls. They want to know why we don't see this as a sign that we are not supposed to have any more children. I am tired. Lord knows Sammy is tired. We are all tired. There are times, a lot of times, when I want to quit. But then, what do I do with this burning desire, whom I believe is from God, to have more children. What do I do with this knowledge that there is a child in this world that is meant to be ours. I guess I can just tuck it all under the rug and move on with my life.

I just don't know what I will do with myself if I give up. Will I ever get over it? I do know that I will forever not feel complete. I will feel like I had a mission that I didn't accomplish. I know if it is meant to be, then it will happen. But I believe it isn't going to happen if we give up. If we forgo God's will, then we will miss out on the abundant blessings that God so graciously supplies us when we obey his will.

Please pray with me that this adoption will move forward soon. I know that God leads us out of our comfort zones. He wants to stretch us and guide us down the road less traveled. I want to go the distance, but I want my family to be behind me.

Please, I am desperately asking for prayer...