Tuesday, September 1, 2009

On the Verge of Giving Up...

I don't even know how to start this post besides just getting right to the point. I am on verge of giving up on the adoption. I just don't feel any family support. Our friends support us half-heartily. I can tell they want to support us, but don't want to see us get hurt again. Of course, my online, adoptive-mom friends, Christian and non-Christian, support me 100 percent. That's just not enough, and it leaves me feeling like I'm the only one wanting a child that no one else wants or wants to work for. I guess I am the only one who wants this and most everyone else I know is just appeasing me.

While in the process with Shay, I became very close to God and my faith grew immensely. (We began the process to adopt Shay so that little Sammy could have a sibling close in age.) Months later, I felt a tug in my heart, a Holy nudge, to adopt purely for no other reason at all then to glorify God. Sammy did not share the desire to have more children, so I started praying. A year later, Sammy's heart changed when we saw Josi's pic.

So here we are... Josi has been gone for almost nine months. Soon after Josi died, we started on another adoption as we did not want things to end this way. Two agencies and seven months later, we are back to square one. Is it that we are not meant to adopt again? Was us being led to Josi not really God's leading? Was all of this in vain? Waisted time? Waisted money? Waisted love?

I have never considered myself a strong person, and I don't know if losing Josi has made me any stronger. I feel very weak. I feel like I am at God's mercy, which is a good thing and right where I would want to be; but I just don't feel any of the support in my own home anymore. Sammy is done with adopting. He has told me multiple times that he is fed up with it all. Who can blame him. Not only have we suffered greatly with losing our daughter, but we have lost tens of thousands of dollars. We do believe that our money, like everything else, is not our own but God's. But I can see how this can put a horrible taste in one's mouth with regard to adoption and the risks involved. I mean, why would anyone in their right mind want to do this again!?!? My husband didn't at first, but had agreed, I believe mostly because he knew it would break my heart not to. After all, he understands, that children are a gift from God. He is not fed up with children, let me make that clear. He is fed up with the process, with agencies, and foreign-country-adoption red tape. Even the girls have expressed to me recently that they really don't want to adopt again. I know that they don't want to see mommy sad anymore, but it makes my heart break knowing that my family has been so wounded by Josi's adoption and death, that they don't see God in it anymore.

So many people are asking if we are still going to continue down this road now after losing the Ethiopian girls. They want to know why we don't see this as a sign that we are not supposed to have any more children. I am tired. Lord knows Sammy is tired. We are all tired. There are times, a lot of times, when I want to quit. But then, what do I do with this burning desire, whom I believe is from God, to have more children. What do I do with this knowledge that there is a child in this world that is meant to be ours. I guess I can just tuck it all under the rug and move on with my life.

I just don't know what I will do with myself if I give up. Will I ever get over it? I do know that I will forever not feel complete. I will feel like I had a mission that I didn't accomplish. I know if it is meant to be, then it will happen. But I believe it isn't going to happen if we give up. If we forgo God's will, then we will miss out on the abundant blessings that God so graciously supplies us when we obey his will.

Please pray with me that this adoption will move forward soon. I know that God leads us out of our comfort zones. He wants to stretch us and guide us down the road less traveled. I want to go the distance, but I want my family to be behind me.

Please, I am desperately asking for prayer...

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems to me that your children may just want to live their lives not worrying about adding another unknown child into the family and want you to just appreciate them. Enjoy your family.

Momto14 said...

Praying for you and for your family. Sometimes through the adoption process and through the spiritual journey that has led so many of us here we come to realize that we are blessed ENOUGH by the journey itself. The lesson is in the journey. I think that you need to realize that as long as you live there will be children who need a family- your desire will be there- and the timing will be right again. Have faith in that. Just know that there is no hurry. And what a blessing for your children to experience that they can feel your appreciation for them as well as feel appreciation for another human being- another one of Gods children. All equal all desearving of your love and HIS love which is LIMITLESS.
Be blessed today.
Sarah

Corrie said...

God never promised us an easy path in this lifetime. Press on, dear mother. I believe God has planted this seed in your heart. I read a quote recently that stated if 8% of the christians in the world would adopt an orphan....there wouldn't be any orphans in the world. Leave this in God's hands, and with His timing He will bring it to pass.

Beauty from ashes.

He is always faithful and make His plan known.

Praying for you.

Bonnie said...

I understand that the adoption process and losses you have experienced have been heartbreaking. Your family is tired and emotionally spent. That is ok... I'm sure you feel the same at times. As the saying goes... Adoption is not for the faint of heart. However as you said, this is not how you and Sammy want your journey to end. If you have that burning desire to pursue adoption, you cannot erase that, nor should you IMO. God has laid this desire upon your heart, but he also gives you free will. You need to continue to discern what is the will of God and what is your will.

I think from what you said, your family is not opposed to having more children, it is the adoption process that they are tired of. Please know that you do have a support system here. I know it does not compare to that of your family, however it is here. Lean on us. We will be here for you.

Bonnie said...

I second what Corrie wrote!

Mamita J said...

Carla,

First of all, let me give you a BIG cyber-hug. I know your heart has been shattered and everything is so raw right now. I can't imagine the pain.

Don't give up, but don't necessarily make a move right now, either. Sit quietly. Rest in Jesus' arms. Listen to His gentle voice. Let Him bind up your wounds. Give Sammy time to grieve. Give yourself time to grieve.

Then, one day not so long from now, you'll know.

I do not for one minute believe that God is telling you not to adopt. Adoption IS God's heart. It's His plan. There is no way He put that in your heart for nothing. He will bring it to pass or maybe He has bigger plans for you.

Know that I'm praying for you and Sammy. If you ever need to talk, my email is mamitaj (at) gmail (dot) com.

I wish I could hug you in person.

In Christ,
Julie

Paula said...

Carla, I have been praying for you and your family every day and will continue to do so. I hope something positive happens for you soon and I hope you can find some peace in God. The adoption path can be so, so hard, but so, so worthwhile.

Anonymous said...

I'm keeping you in my thoughts, sometimes it is a hard path to find "your children" sometimes there has to be struggles to get there it's for a reason, maybe you just haven't found the right path to the right child... God is closing the doors to open a very special one for you
good luck & hang in there it will happen

The Dixon Family Adoption~Join The Journey said...

I read your post last night and went to bed, heavy hearted for you, praying for you and your family. You guys are still grieving and should be. Losing a referral would be difficult in any situation but even more difficult in your situation.

I completely agree with the last few posts that you should be still and wait on God~for His timing. Not that he is saying no but for you to be able to calm the raging storm that is within. This verse is has been a great help to me lately~Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD Psalm 27:14

He will strengthen your heart! Love on your children and your hubby and remember that they are on your side and are for you, not against you but that they also need God to strengthen their hearts.

Give it all over to the Lord. He will bring to pass His best and will open doors & hearts in His timing~you have to be willing to trust Him to work out the details.

I will continue to lift you and your sweet family up in prayer for peace, healing, strength and joy from resting in Him. (and for a referral, of course!)

Justin and Donna Brown said...

My heart it breaking for you. Justin and I will keep you in our prayers.

ManyBlessings said...

Oh Carla,
You have been given some wonderful words of wisdom already. I will just say this. In the end, all that really matters is that you were faithful to God. The rest is all really fluff. Our comfort is not His goal. As much as it hurts, that's the truth. Our only mission is to glorify Him (as you all have so FAITHFULLY done!!).

I know your family is tired. ((HUGS))We feel that here too. It is such a difficult place to be in. It's where faith becomes something we either accept or reject. Where the rubber meets the road.

It's always easy to "say" the mantras thrown around in Christian circles, but when you are asked to "live" them, they suddenly become something much different. It isn't so easy anymore.

I will pray for clear answers for them.

I will pray for sustaining faith for you.

And I will pray that God will continue to lead all of you.

Write me anytime. Anytime. I mean that.

wvamom said...

Maybe the issue is one of timing. I know just how you feel--I felt the same calling to adopt--it was so powerful that I prayed and fasted and asked God to either remove the desire from my heart or change my husband's heart to be willing to adopt. It was four long years before my husband finally agreed, and even then he wasn't sure and we went through a great deal of stress and conflict in our marriage.

At one point along the way when I thought I would never be able to fulfill what I felt called to do, I backed off from discussing adoption with my husband for nearly a year. I have to say, I grieved. My husband thought I was angry with him, but that wasn't it--I thought, if I can't fulfill God's will for me, then what is left for me? It was devastating.

I am praying for wisdom for you and your family. I hope that you will be able to discern God's will as you move forward.

julie said...

Oh Carla, Big ((Hugs)) being sent to you. I have felt this same way at times during our adoption joureny. We have had many bumps. However, I try to remind myself that this is just the enemy trying to discourage me. Discouragement is his greatest tool. I can totally understand why your husband would just be done. Hang in there though. Pray, pray and pray. Sit quietly and listen. Our God is there for you and he understands your hurts. I will be holding you up in prayer.

jodi said...

praying for you and your family for peace and understanding. In God's time things will happen for you all, though i know its hard to be still enough to listen and wait when you have so much going on.

chapinamom said...

Have been praying for you for months - since Josi's adoption was going on. You're a wonderful mom of a really special family. And, yes, as another adoptive mom, who had smaller hurdles and losses than you've had, my gut/heart feeling is for you not to give up! It's been my prayer through both of the valleys you've been in. I think you're right - don't let it end here. But supporting you and praying for you, whatever path you take!

Amy Jo said...

Oh, Precious Carla, I don't have any answers, but I am praying with you. I can't imagine the pain you have gone through and know that it just really, really, REALLY stinks. And yet, I know that God is good and He will bring beauty out of your ashes. I wish you were already in a season of rejoicing, but trust that when it finally does come it will be especially sweet given all you have experienced. Praying for your family and friends as well. Sending you a BIG hug, Amy

M said...

Carla-
I have followed both your adoptions of Shay & Josi. Anyone who has adopted knows the stress that adoption can take on a family. It is an emotional rollercoaster & is financially hard for most families. But, adoption is a beautiful thing & I have learned so much from adopting 3 precious children from Guatemala. Your family has gone through a lot of pain with Josi's adoption & now with your Ethiopian adoption. Don't give up on your dreams of adopting again. Your family maybe just needs time to heal after losing Josi & your Ethiopian referrals. God will guide you to the right decision for your family. Maybe God is giving your family time to heal & when he feels you are ready to adopt again, he will let you know somehow? You are an incredible woman Carla, & a great Mom & wife. Please don't give up your hopes of adopting again. Allow yourself time to heal too, & enjoy your family who sounds like they need you.

Take care,
Martina Turner

Beth in MN said...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your referrals. I will pray for clarity for you and your family in this time of discernment.

Proverbs31Wife said...

Oh Carla, I didn't know you were experiencing all of this right now. I will step up my prayers for your family. But as for all your wonderful comments, I echo what one person said... "what matters is that you were found faithful..." Sammy is ultimately the head of your family and he answers to the Lord for the choices he makes for your family(with your love, guidance, advice). You are being faithful. And perhaps the most faithful thing you can do is just to quietly follow your calling and not give up or be too pro-active in make concrete choices while at the same time praying and praying for God to reveal His plan to your husband. God may just surprise you. But it really sounds like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing aside from dwelling on things you can't change. When you pray with your children, you can make your heart known without trying to influence them to accept another child. God will work it out in their hearts too! I know we are new friends. But I am here for you. Love, Shauna

Mary Ann said...

I am soooo sorry! Even though I wanted to give up with Lilee's adoption! I almost went crazy!!! We never really had family or friend support during either adoptions. We were kind of on her own! Esp. the finanacial end of it!
Maybe it is time for you just take a little break and enjoy your kiddies and see if God opens a door or not. Just take a little breather. Don't give up completely! Praying for you girl! I know your heart!!!

Rhonda said...

I am so very sorry this has happened Carla. It is definitely not a clear cut picture of our paths that God provides for us. I wish I had some magical answer but all I can say is that you and your family are so incredibly precious and we are keeping you all in our thoughts, hearts and prayers. Many blessings during this difficult time.
Rhonda