Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hypocrite...

That's what I feel like these days. My faith is so strong when things are going well; but when things aren't going the way I want them to go... my faith falters and I question everything. It's so easy to say that God is in control. But to actually live that way is so hard. Though I know it isn't true, it feels like God has left me high and dry over the last few weeks and months. I struggle to feel his presence. I miss you Jesus.

I am having a friend redo my blog. It's hard to come on here and post while all of Josi's pics are here--it just brings back too many emotions. I'm not sure how to celebrate Josi's life on this blog, or even here at home for that matter. I don't want to make a shrine; but at the same time, I don't ever want to forget her. God brought her into our lives for a reason. She most definitely has changed each and every one in our family. Her life was no mistake as she touched so many.

Our adoption is crawling by. We have been waiting for a court date for over 13wks now. I'm not sure what's going on w/the Ethiopian staff, but our agency is doing everything they can to find out just what is going on with our case. In the meantime though, we have received many pics of our girls from other families travelling to pick up their children. That is such a nice blessing, and it does keep me going especially on the hard days, which are more often than not these days.

This is my new favorite song. Struggling with my emotions and my faith these last few months has been sort of a rude awakening for me. There is no question in my mind that God is in complete control of my life and he only wants the best for me. I just wish I could understand him more. I really thought that God wasn't going to leave me hanging again after he took Josi from me. I felt like we deserved a smooth process with this adoption and that God was going to give it to us. How arrogant of me to assume this.

(If you watch the video, be sure to click on the "HQ" in the right bottom corner. It will improve the video quality.)



10 comments:

julie said...

I'm so sorry your adoption is stalled. Are you not getting a court date because of the abandonment issue? We are waiting for a court date too. Only 3 weeks though. Now with MOWA closing until the end of the month I don't know what will happen.

Hang in there. Our kids will be home with us soon. I know God has not forgotten them or us.

Blessings,
Julie

Mamita J said...

Carla,

You are not a hypocrite. You are hurting and grieving and sorting things out.

God will hold onto you, even when you can't, and maybe don't want to, feel Him.

I'm sorry this adoption is not going as smoothly as you hoped.

Praying for you,
Julie

Willis said...

Your emotions are so natural and human; you should not feel like a hypocrite. You'll never get over losing your daughter. But with God's help you will get through it. I've gone through my own struggles with infertility and other battles. I'm learning that the Christian life cannot be managed by me. I'm a mess and I falter over and over again. My life feels like a roller coaster sometimes. I have to give it to God and let Him manage it. On my own, I am too weak to do it. That's where the power of the cross comes in.
Praying for you.

Faith, Family, Future said...

I love you dear friend. I don't even pretend to understand all you are going through but I know that you are not a hypocrite. You are grieving and healing. There is no time table on when, where, or how long that is for each of you individually.

I pray for the completion of your girls adoption to be smooth and quickly. I look forward to seeing you all together with those beautiful children.

All my love,
Tammy

Rhonda said...

I am so sorry you are hurting and I know it can't be easy going through more waiting on your adoption. I know that even if you don't feel God right now,he has not abandoned you. He will be there by you no matter what. It's hard to understand why bad things happen or why Josi was taken so young but please know we are saying many prayers for you and your family.
Blessings to you, Rhonda

heather said...

I love following your blog and getting to know your family. I also wanted to give something for your blog it's in my blog post for today!

Blessings,

Heather

heather said...

Sorry Carla. Just right click on it and save it to your computer. then you can put it on your blog as a picture. Not so blog saavy here either! LOL!

Heather

Amy Jo said...

Carla - I've been thinking of you an awful lot. Thanks for sharing your heart. It's good to hear from you. I'm praying that your precious children come home SOON. And, that the Lord brings His beauty (and justice) through the traumatic loss of your beautiful Josi.

Also, wanted to let you know that our dossier is flying to Ethiopia even as I type...and Mesfin's case is supposed to be going through the lower courts next week. We're still awaiting our official referral, but are getting closer. Thank you for praying for him and loving on him. YOU are a gift!

Sweet blessings,
Amy

Paula said...

Carla, your family and your girls in Ethiopia are in my prayers. I hope you will all be together soon! It is so frustrating to keep waiting and waiting with no real knowledge of what the hold up is... as I know from personal experience. Hang in there!

Mel said...

Just checked in today after a long time. I cannot begin to understand your pain or your faith journey, but what I think is that God meets us where we are, each day. Prayers for peace to your heart and mind. Mel